Hey :)
Well, the last few months were...exciting. I guess that's a good description. When I wrote my last post I just got to university and now my first semester is almost over. I can't believe it. And I got to admit: The last year changed my life completely. I remember January 2015. Still in school, having no real friends, being the outsider. Worrying about my A-levels. Then got my A-levels, felt very happy I made that step. Later in the year going to university. Wow. Tons of new impressions. Meeting new, very cool people. Being in the middle of something for the first time of my life. Being liked by some people actually felt very good. You see, I never wanted to depend on something like that. But it was always hard to be the one no one was interested in and since I got to university that really changed. I made some really good friends and I'm still meeting new friendly people every day. I can't even explain how that feels. I'm so lucky.
The first week at university was almost completely about parties and such things. It was real fun actually. We all went crazy and that's something I'll always love to remember. Then there was this trip with some of the maths people. Well, that was fun! It was just a weekend but I got to know my best friend there and that really became a very very special friendship.
We were very close from the beginning (as friends) and told us almost everything. It was just like meeting a soulmate, someone who finally understands me. And there were phases when my other friends were a bit pissed of me I guess because I was in a really bad mood. And I was pissed of them because they didn't try to understand. Instead they were always sayin I was killin their mood. Yeah, well, this best friend was always there. I could tell him anything and he wouldn't complain. I'm so glad I found that friend, it's the best friendship I ever had. And I can say that although over the time I got feelings for him which ended in really painful unrequited love. But well I talked to him about this and he didn't let me down, he was and is still there for me, not complaining when I'm crying the whole day and send him sentimental texts. I love him for that. Nevertheless, it's very complicated and, above all, so painful. I'm again feeling like the girl that's not good enough, always thinking 'What has she got that I don't have?'. I feel like there's something wrong about me. I mean, it isn't typical that there's no boy who's somehow interested in me, is it? And the worst thing is: My heart is still hoping. He said directly to me that he doesn't feel the same and nevertheless I'm still waiting for that to change. I don't want to accept that it never will. I could wait months or years, that wouldn't be a problem. But I guess even in a few years I wouldn't have any chance... I should just let it go. But in my head, every moment I spent with this guy is repeating over and over again... every look in his eyes, every word he said to me, every hug, how he consoled me when I was like on the ground... and I can't let these memories go... not yet at least... I know I should keep a little distance, give my heart space to heal, but I can't, actually. I want to keep that friendship and he does, too. It is really one of the best things that ever happenend to me and I can't just let that die. So now I'm torturing myself all the time, staying around him, enjoying every secound... just hoping that what we have will last. Well I'm really heart-broken because of this shit. And at the moment, the time at the university won't fix that because I'm just so afraid of the exams in February... don't know if I can make that. But I'm trying to make the best out of this whole mess. And I guess time heals the wounds I feel....
Whatever, I should go to bed now, I have to get up early tomorrow for university.
See ya!
May ♥
