'They say you have to chase your dreams, chase happiness. And that's why I have to keep on chasing you' ♥

Wow, so much time has passed since my last post... as always.
Things are still crazy. Sometimes I feel like my life is a very bad TV show... it sometimes seems to have enough storylines for at least five characters...
There are several great things though - I don't need to worry that much about exams anymore - at least not in maths. While it seemed to be impossible to scrape that one exam only one and a half year ago, now suddenly I passed the last maths exam. I did it. There's only one course left that I have to take next year. Crazy. For my English studies, there are a few more exams to come but nevermind. I know now, that it will work out somehow. I'm just trusting the journey...
In December, I'll start a huge trip, that also has to do something with my English studies... I'm so excited - I'll fly to the other end of the world! Crazy!
There are really some crazy things going on and I'm absolutely proud of how many of my former problems I've already solved... although others still remain the same. I'm talking, of course, of my best friend... It's been almost three years now. It's crazy how you can love someone that much for such a long time without being loved back. I've never felt anything more real, more intense...
Today, I read my old posts again and thought about how at that time, I would never have imagined sitting here, three years later, still crying about that friend...
Sad thing is, I still don't want to let these feelings go... a few months ago, he and his girlfriend broke up and I somehow hoped that at some time, even though in distant future, we might be together. But we won't. Seeing how the things have developed until now, I'm pretty sure, we'll never be together EVER.

But I still can't stop hoping...

Cause I love him with all that I am ♥

This day just hit me like a big giant barrell, rolling over me, making all of my suppressed emotions explode. I just can't stop thinking about that best friend of mine...again. Honestly, I don't know when I will ever be able to grapple with this unrequited love thing. Well, I heard a song today... Out of my league by Stephen Speaks. There's this single line which repeats over and over again in my head - 'cause I love her with all that I am'.
I really, really feel like this line expresses very very much.
I mean, that's basically it. I just love this guy with literally ALL that I am. Every single tiny part of me is crying out for this person. I just feel like I'm dying when I'm not with him.
I honestly can't explain these emotions... whatever.
See ya!
May ♥

You don't know me and you don't wear my chains. No, you don't know me and you don't even care!

'You know my name, not my story.

You know what I've done, not what I've been through.
If you were in my shoes, you'd fall the first step!'

Again, many months have passed since I wrote my last post. Again, so much has changed. And otherwise, so little. I failed the second chance for the exam, too, so I'm retaking the first semester in maths now, which is not that great, but it's okay I guess. I mean, at least my best friend and some of my other friends are reataking it with me.
I was very positive at the beginning of the term, thinking I'll finally get this shit. By now, all of this has changed again... I'm really struggeling to keep myself motivated because I feel like there's no chance for me to pass this exam like EVER... But who cares, it's too late now, so all I can do is give my best...
Concerning friends, some things have changed, too, while others haven't. I still love my best friend, which sucks, because he still doesn't love me. I mean, he has his girlfriend whom he love like over the top. Yikes! But however, I was thinking a lot about this lately since it really broke me inside. You know, I always thought it must be wrong that such strong emotions, such strong love as I feel it for him, stay unreturned. That this couldn't be the plan, that something went horriby wrong in our universe because otherwise, something like that could never happen. That it's just against everything I've always expected the world to be like... That we were meant to be.
But then I realized something. I realized that he feels that love for her. And she does definitely feel it for him. So I guess, the two of them are meant to be, not the two of us... There won't be a you and I but I guess I'm okay with that because it would be even more wrong if they'd part.
So yes, it hurts. It hurts like hell to be honest. And it still feels wrong. But I guess it's the right kind of wrong...
So I decided. I've never been sure if I should smile because he's my friend or cry because that's all he'll ever be. I decided to smile. I'm so freaking glad to be able to call him my friend. I don't know what I'd do if I lost him as my best friend, as the one who always knows what's going on in my mind. I will always love him in some way. But I think I'll be able to love him as my friend.

Well, some of you may be wondering by now, what the title of this post is supposed to refer to. So here we go.
Since I'm retaking the term anyway, I went on the trip with the maths students again. I really met cool people again and liked many of them. It was a great weekend and I decided to forget all of my worries for these few days. An old friend of mine went there, too and we had lots of fun.
However, of course, the problems returned when I came back home. So I had a rough time again and wasn't that happy. But I tried to stay positive. But when I met one of my "new friends" I got to know on the trip, something really crazy happened which turned our relationship strange somehow. This is really a shame because we got along very well earlier.
So after that final kick in the ass, I had a breakdown. I mean, I was broken before that happened but after that I couldn't stay positive in any way anymore. I was totally pissed off by guys (I still am since this event happened only a few days ago). Anyway, the day after that strange experience, the old friend texted me and we were talking about something and got to that topic. Without knowing what's really going on, he told me I should see things more positive, it wouldn't be that bad, whatever. He didn't try to understand. As always. As I said, some things didn't change. However, I just told him in a friendly manner that he didn't know the real me and that he had no right to judge.
The next day, which was only the day before yesterday, another guy from that trip texted me, asking how I felt. I told him it was a bad time to ask that question but he wanted to know so I told him that I felt really horrible. And well, he was the second person telling me that I'm not feeling as bad as I think and that I should easily stay positive, blah, blah, blah... Within the last few days I just heard a bit too often that my problems aren't that bad and that I'm only weak. I'm so sick of it!
So everyone thinks I'm weak. OK, I get it. I told them 'bout my feelings. Huge mistake. But real strength doesn't mean not talking about problems. It means facing them, grappling with them, to keep going. So to all of you out there claiming I'm weak - Tell me: Have you ever seen me giving up? No, you haven't. Because I never did and never will. Because I AM strong! In fact I'm VERY strong, even stronger than your kind, who's hiding their emotions, suppressing them! You have no idea what I had to deal with during my life til now and I never gave up. So before you judge me, think about what strength really means.
You don't even really know me and most of you don't even fucking care, so just shut up!

See ya!
May ♥

A drop in the ocean

'I was praying that you and me might end up together. It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert. But I'm holding you closer than most 'cause you are my heaven ♥'

I actually don't really know what to say.
Few has changed. My heart's still broken and it feels like it's breaking again every day, always making me feel worse than the day before. I never felt something like that. I already felt unrequited love but this is different. I never had such feelings for anyone before...
Whatever.
The first exam went pretty bad, I didn't pass. But I have the possibility to try again in April and I know I can make it by then. Next Friday and Saturday I'm going to write the next exams. Guess I could pass the one on Friday but the one on Saturday? No way.
Whatever.
I'm just praying I'll feel better soon but deep inside I know that won't happen...

Blame it on the rain

Hey :)

Well, the last few months were...exciting. I guess that's a good description. When I wrote my last post I just got to university and now my first semester is almost over. I can't believe it. And I got to admit: The last year changed my life completely. I remember January 2015. Still in school, having no real friends, being the outsider. Worrying about my A-levels. Then got my A-levels, felt very happy I made that step. Later in the year going to university. Wow. Tons of new impressions. Meeting new, very cool people. Being in the middle of something for the first time of my life. Being liked by some people actually felt very good. You see, I never wanted to depend on something like that. But it was always hard to be the one no one was interested in and since I got to university that really changed. I made some really good friends and I'm still meeting new friendly people every day. I can't even explain how that feels. I'm so lucky.
The first week at university was almost completely about parties and such things. It was real fun actually. We all went crazy and that's something I'll always love to remember. Then there was this trip with some of the maths people. Well, that was fun! It was just a weekend but I got to know my best friend there and that really became a very very special friendship.
We were very close from the beginning (as friends) and told us almost everything. It was just like meeting a soulmate, someone who finally understands me. And there were phases when my other friends were a bit pissed of me I guess because I was in a really bad mood. And I was pissed of them because they didn't try to understand. Instead they were always sayin I was killin their mood. Yeah, well, this best friend was always there. I could tell him anything and he wouldn't complain. I'm so glad I found that friend, it's the best friendship I ever had. And I can say that although over the time I got feelings for him which ended in really painful unrequited love. But well I talked to him about this and he didn't let me down, he was and is still there for me, not complaining when I'm crying the whole day and send him sentimental texts. I love him for that. Nevertheless, it's very complicated and, above all, so painful. I'm again feeling like the girl that's not good enough, always thinking 'What has she got that I don't have?'. I feel like there's something wrong about me. I mean, it isn't typical that there's no boy who's somehow interested in me, is it? And the worst thing is: My heart is still hoping. He said directly to me that he doesn't feel the same and nevertheless I'm still waiting for that to change. I don't want to accept that it never will. I could wait months or years, that wouldn't be a problem. But I guess even in a few years I wouldn't have any chance... I should just let it go. But in my head, every moment I spent with this guy is repeating over and over again... every look in his eyes, every word he said to me, every hug, how he consoled me when I was like on the ground... and I can't let these memories go... not yet at least... I know I should keep a little distance, give my heart space to heal, but I can't, actually. I want to keep that friendship and he does, too. It is really one of the best things that ever happenend to me and I can't just let that die. So now I'm torturing myself all the time, staying around him, enjoying every secound... just hoping that what we have will last. Well I'm really heart-broken because of this shit. And at the moment, the time at the university won't fix that because I'm just so afraid of the exams in February... don't know if I can make that. But I'm trying to make the best out of this whole mess. And I guess time heals the wounds I feel....

Whatever, I should go to bed now, I have to get up early tomorrow for university.

See ya!
May ♥

What a fucking joke

'I just want to feel like I belong.'

Within the last days my life changed rapidly. I went to university for the first times, broke up with my boyfriend, met new people. This wasn't all easy but it was fun actually. Well, breaking up with my boyfriend wasn't fun at all I admit but it was neccessary. Well and somehow I thought I want to move on, I want to look forward. I'm young and life could be so much fun. So why not live with less worries? Well, this really worked out for me, it did. Broke up with my boyfriend last Tuesday, crying. Spent time with my horse mostly the next days, trying to forget. Being sick at the weekend, trying not to care. Preparing for university on Monday, Excited as hell. Driving to university for the first time on Tueday - great. Met lots of new, funny, friendly and amazing people. I never thought it would be so easy to meet strange people and to start a conversation. It was, actually. There was no problem at all, I didn't meet only one single person I didn't like. Got lost on the way home on Tuesday because I'm a bit too stupid for driving by bus. However, arrived at home "a bit" later. Went swimming with my brother on Wednesday. Met a friend in the evening, had lots of fun, which somehow started huge chaos, but who cares? Went to bed after the friend was gone, couldn't sleep, just thinking 'bout the craziest, most unimportant stuff one can imagine all the time. Got up early after a horrible night. Tired as hell. Went to university again, met my learing group for the first time. Again, great people. Found a new friend I guess. Someone I really really like very much because she is as weird as I am ^^ Walking through the city with my friends thinking I haven't felt that happy for months. There was just this moment when I thought everything's right. I have my wonderful horse, super new friends who really seem to like me, I'm at university and I don't need to feel like I'm living in a cage anymore, addicted to someone who does not even really love me. Everything was just perfect. But then suddenly, I don't know how, problems appeared and ended in a huge discussion with a friend of mine. Nothing that bad but somehow annoying. For me, this huge discussion meant lots of horrible thoughts and weird feelings. Feeeling not good enough, not worth it, whatever. Just suddenly realised that I can't just make life that easy and uncomplicated. I can't even manage to do that for one single day, appearantly. And now I had to realise, that my life will always be fucking complicated and I will never manage to stop worrying all the time. I jsut feel like I am burning out myelf more and more. Like I jsut expect too much of myself, but I can't change that. I feel like I'd be pressed against a wall by a giant ass, pooping at me while taking my breath. It doesnt feel like living right now. It feels like the biggest fucking shit I've ever felt. I hate this feeling. And the worst thing of all is: I know how happy I was today in the morning. I'm able to imagine a life without worrying about absolutely everthing, without wanting to control everything. And now I just can't do anything because some silly voice in my head doesn't want to shut up. 

Fuck that.

'But maybe it's not about the happy ending. Maybe it's about the story.'

'I'm sick and tired of hiding the mess I am. Nobody wants me. And I don't want me either. I didn't lose a friend. I just realized I never had one. Sometimes I wish I could delete people. 

I'm broken.

But if I start crying about one thing, I end up crying about everything that's wrong. 

So I just keep moving forward. I keep saying 'I understand' although I mean: 'My heart just got ripped into a million pieces but I won't tell you because you wouldn't care how I feel anyway'.

I still keep hiding who I am and what I feel. I keep pretending not to notice that most people out there just don't like me. I keep being friendly. I keep playing the dumb naive girl who doesn't get that she's hated by everybody. 

It's okay.

I can do that.

But I won't stop. I won't let all these people win. I won't fall without getting up again. I will always fight. I'll never stop. No matter what I have to do, I will fight until I reach my dreams. Nobody can stop me from doing that. You can do to me whatever you want to but if you put obstacles in my way I#m gonna take them and throw them in your face. I won't let anybody stop me. I will fall but I will get up. I will do anything. I will fight!

It's gonna be hard, but hard is not impossible.'

Today was kind of hard for me. I don't know, I'm not really sure what happened actually but I felt very bad suddenly. I wasn't content with what I did at school today. Not because it was that bad but because I'm just overambitious. This was making me sad but it wasn't that horrible for me. But in some moment, I just realised that there's no one really caring for me. I don't have any real friends. For them, I'm just somebody. Of course, nice, but not nice enough. Funny, but not funny enough. Special but definitely not special enough. I'm sick of being the girl who's just never enough.

I'm afraid it will always be like that - at university, as teacher at school later. Wherever I am I'm just the strange girl. I'm not important. I don't intent to be important to everybody. I just want to be important to somebody. And most of all I want to be accepted. I don't intent to be friends with everybody. But why can't they be at least friendly to me? I don't need anything else. I mean, I'm friendly. Yes, I might be a bit crazy but not that crazy and I really am friendly to everybody. I don't understand that. 

Why are some things so unfair`?

Whatever, I think I just gotta keep moving forward. I want to move on. Falling is no shame. Staying on the ground is. And I won't. I'll always fight even though sometimes it doesn't seem to make any sense. However, 

See ya!

May ♥