What a fucking joke

'I just want to feel like I belong.'

Within the last days my life changed rapidly. I went to university for the first times, broke up with my boyfriend, met new people. This wasn't all easy but it was fun actually. Well, breaking up with my boyfriend wasn't fun at all I admit but it was neccessary. Well and somehow I thought I want to move on, I want to look forward. I'm young and life could be so much fun. So why not live with less worries? Well, this really worked out for me, it did. Broke up with my boyfriend last Tuesday, crying. Spent time with my horse mostly the next days, trying to forget. Being sick at the weekend, trying not to care. Preparing for university on Monday, Excited as hell. Driving to university for the first time on Tueday - great. Met lots of new, funny, friendly and amazing people. I never thought it would be so easy to meet strange people and to start a conversation. It was, actually. There was no problem at all, I didn't meet only one single person I didn't like. Got lost on the way home on Tuesday because I'm a bit too stupid for driving by bus. However, arrived at home "a bit" later. Went swimming with my brother on Wednesday. Met a friend in the evening, had lots of fun, which somehow started huge chaos, but who cares? Went to bed after the friend was gone, couldn't sleep, just thinking 'bout the craziest, most unimportant stuff one can imagine all the time. Got up early after a horrible night. Tired as hell. Went to university again, met my learing group for the first time. Again, great people. Found a new friend I guess. Someone I really really like very much because she is as weird as I am ^^ Walking through the city with my friends thinking I haven't felt that happy for months. There was just this moment when I thought everything's right. I have my wonderful horse, super new friends who really seem to like me, I'm at university and I don't need to feel like I'm living in a cage anymore, addicted to someone who does not even really love me. Everything was just perfect. But then suddenly, I don't know how, problems appeared and ended in a huge discussion with a friend of mine. Nothing that bad but somehow annoying. For me, this huge discussion meant lots of horrible thoughts and weird feelings. Feeeling not good enough, not worth it, whatever. Just suddenly realised that I can't just make life that easy and uncomplicated. I can't even manage to do that for one single day, appearantly. And now I had to realise, that my life will always be fucking complicated and I will never manage to stop worrying all the time. I jsut feel like I am burning out myelf more and more. Like I jsut expect too much of myself, but I can't change that. I feel like I'd be pressed against a wall by a giant ass, pooping at me while taking my breath. It doesnt feel like living right now. It feels like the biggest fucking shit I've ever felt. I hate this feeling. And the worst thing of all is: I know how happy I was today in the morning. I'm able to imagine a life without worrying about absolutely everthing, without wanting to control everything. And now I just can't do anything because some silly voice in my head doesn't want to shut up. 

Fuck that.

'But maybe it's not about the happy ending. Maybe it's about the story.'

'I'm sick and tired of hiding the mess I am. Nobody wants me. And I don't want me either. I didn't lose a friend. I just realized I never had one. Sometimes I wish I could delete people. 

I'm broken.

But if I start crying about one thing, I end up crying about everything that's wrong. 

So I just keep moving forward. I keep saying 'I understand' although I mean: 'My heart just got ripped into a million pieces but I won't tell you because you wouldn't care how I feel anyway'.

I still keep hiding who I am and what I feel. I keep pretending not to notice that most people out there just don't like me. I keep being friendly. I keep playing the dumb naive girl who doesn't get that she's hated by everybody. 

It's okay.

I can do that.

But I won't stop. I won't let all these people win. I won't fall without getting up again. I will always fight. I'll never stop. No matter what I have to do, I will fight until I reach my dreams. Nobody can stop me from doing that. You can do to me whatever you want to but if you put obstacles in my way I#m gonna take them and throw them in your face. I won't let anybody stop me. I will fall but I will get up. I will do anything. I will fight!

It's gonna be hard, but hard is not impossible.'

Today was kind of hard for me. I don't know, I'm not really sure what happened actually but I felt very bad suddenly. I wasn't content with what I did at school today. Not because it was that bad but because I'm just overambitious. This was making me sad but it wasn't that horrible for me. But in some moment, I just realised that there's no one really caring for me. I don't have any real friends. For them, I'm just somebody. Of course, nice, but not nice enough. Funny, but not funny enough. Special but definitely not special enough. I'm sick of being the girl who's just never enough.

I'm afraid it will always be like that - at university, as teacher at school later. Wherever I am I'm just the strange girl. I'm not important. I don't intent to be important to everybody. I just want to be important to somebody. And most of all I want to be accepted. I don't intent to be friends with everybody. But why can't they be at least friendly to me? I don't need anything else. I mean, I'm friendly. Yes, I might be a bit crazy but not that crazy and I really am friendly to everybody. I don't understand that. 

Why are some things so unfair`?

Whatever, I think I just gotta keep moving forward. I want to move on. Falling is no shame. Staying on the ground is. And I won't. I'll always fight even though sometimes it doesn't seem to make any sense. However, 

See ya!

May ♥

Losing safety

'It's crazy how someone who used to be a huge part of your life can be gone in a second'

Hey out there!

I was just thinking about how life will be after school. It's crazy that I may be at university this fall. I mean, of course, school was boring and pesky sometimes, but it still gave me a feeling of safety. I remember how it felt when I left the 10th grade. I knew there wasn't that much changing for me but nevertheless it was a strange feeling somehow. But when I left the 10th grade, I knew at least exactly how my life would be the next years, what I would be doing. I knew I would go to school three more years and then I'd do my A-levels. I knew I'd walk the same way to school every day as I did for the whole six years before. I knew I wouldn't have to make my own decisions about important things in life. I knew my best friends would be there, going this way with me. Now suddenly all of this will change. I will have to make my own decisions and in some kind of way that's pretty cool but nevertheless I'm a bit scared. I guess that's normal... There's plenty of time left of course and I should rather care about learning for the exams (which I do, too of course), but the thought that this whole safety will be taken away within one second freaks me out. 

It was much easier to leave the 10th grade. I had so much safety left - the school, my friends. Now I don't even feel like I have real friends (except my boyfriend). I mean, no one has been there the last few years. Of course there were people I liked and some of them liked me, too, but none of them considered me as anyone special. I was a friend. Somebody. Or maybe rather Nobody. It could've been anybody else for them. 

Now my boyfriend and my horse are the only ones who give me a feeling of safety. They are there for me, they care. Or at least I hope so.
Of course there's also my family. But the thing that scares me most about leaving school is that I'll lose a person who has become very important to me - one of my teachers. She has always been there for me as a role model, as a friend, as a person I absolutely trust. Knowing she will disappear suddenly is simply very hard for me. But I'm trying to look forward. I mean, of yourse I'm also excited about going to university (if I can realise this dream) and getting to know new people. Living my own life. Writing my own story, without letting anyone steal the feather or the ink. It will be my own life, or at least a huge step to reach it. 

Nevertheless, it's still crazy. I guess some of you out there understand how I feel...

See ya!

May ♥

About myself

Hey out there!

At the beginning I want to tell you a few things about me so you have a chance to get to know me.
My name is Lara and I'm 19 years old. I still go to school but I will take my A-levels (Abitur in german) this year. I hope I will get the opportunity to go to university after that to study to become a teacher.
In general, I'm a very pensive and dreamy person. Moreover, I'm very ambitious. Truth be told, I'm a bit overambitious, which freaks me out sometimes. I often just pressurize myself. I guess I'm my own worst enemy... but enough of that. Let's talk about something more interesting and less depressing.

In my freetime, I often spend time with my horse or my boyfriend. Both of them are very important to me, I can't imagine living without them and I hope I won't havbe to for a long time.
So far for now, you will get to know me better by my posts automatically.

See ya!
May ♥