Losing safety

'It's crazy how someone who used to be a huge part of your life can be gone in a second'

Hey out there!

I was just thinking about how life will be after school. It's crazy that I may be at university this fall. I mean, of course, school was boring and pesky sometimes, but it still gave me a feeling of safety. I remember how it felt when I left the 10th grade. I knew there wasn't that much changing for me but nevertheless it was a strange feeling somehow. But when I left the 10th grade, I knew at least exactly how my life would be the next years, what I would be doing. I knew I would go to school three more years and then I'd do my A-levels. I knew I'd walk the same way to school every day as I did for the whole six years before. I knew I wouldn't have to make my own decisions about important things in life. I knew my best friends would be there, going this way with me. Now suddenly all of this will change. I will have to make my own decisions and in some kind of way that's pretty cool but nevertheless I'm a bit scared. I guess that's normal... There's plenty of time left of course and I should rather care about learning for the exams (which I do, too of course), but the thought that this whole safety will be taken away within one second freaks me out. 

It was much easier to leave the 10th grade. I had so much safety left - the school, my friends. Now I don't even feel like I have real friends (except my boyfriend). I mean, no one has been there the last few years. Of course there were people I liked and some of them liked me, too, but none of them considered me as anyone special. I was a friend. Somebody. Or maybe rather Nobody. It could've been anybody else for them. 

Now my boyfriend and my horse are the only ones who give me a feeling of safety. They are there for me, they care. Or at least I hope so.
Of course there's also my family. But the thing that scares me most about leaving school is that I'll lose a person who has become very important to me - one of my teachers. She has always been there for me as a role model, as a friend, as a person I absolutely trust. Knowing she will disappear suddenly is simply very hard for me. But I'm trying to look forward. I mean, of yourse I'm also excited about going to university (if I can realise this dream) and getting to know new people. Living my own life. Writing my own story, without letting anyone steal the feather or the ink. It will be my own life, or at least a huge step to reach it. 

Nevertheless, it's still crazy. I guess some of you out there understand how I feel...

See ya!

May ♥