'I just want to feel like I belong.'
Within the last days my life changed rapidly. I went to university for the first times, broke up with my boyfriend, met new people. This wasn't all easy but it was fun actually. Well, breaking up with my boyfriend wasn't fun at all I admit but it was neccessary. Well and somehow I thought I want to move on, I want to look forward. I'm young and life could be so much fun. So why not live with less worries? Well, this really worked out for me, it did. Broke up with my boyfriend last Tuesday, crying. Spent time with my horse mostly the next days, trying to forget. Being sick at the weekend, trying not to care. Preparing for university on Monday, Excited as hell. Driving to university for the first time on Tueday - great. Met lots of new, funny, friendly and amazing people. I never thought it would be so easy to meet strange people and to start a conversation. It was, actually. There was no problem at all, I didn't meet only one single person I didn't like. Got lost on the way home on Tuesday because I'm a bit too stupid for driving by bus. However, arrived at home "a bit" later. Went swimming with my brother on Wednesday. Met a friend in the evening, had lots of fun, which somehow started huge chaos, but who cares? Went to bed after the friend was gone, couldn't sleep, just thinking 'bout the craziest, most unimportant stuff one can imagine all the time. Got up early after a horrible night. Tired as hell. Went to university again, met my learing group for the first time. Again, great people. Found a new friend I guess. Someone I really really like very much because she is as weird as I am ^^ Walking through the city with my friends thinking I haven't felt that happy for months. There was just this moment when I thought everything's right. I have my wonderful horse, super new friends who really seem to like me, I'm at university and I don't need to feel like I'm living in a cage anymore, addicted to someone who does not even really love me. Everything was just perfect. But then suddenly, I don't know how, problems appeared and ended in a huge discussion with a friend of mine. Nothing that bad but somehow annoying. For me, this huge discussion meant lots of horrible thoughts and weird feelings. Feeeling not good enough, not worth it, whatever. Just suddenly realised that I can't just make life that easy and uncomplicated. I can't even manage to do that for one single day, appearantly. And now I had to realise, that my life will always be fucking complicated and I will never manage to stop worrying all the time. I jsut feel like I am burning out myelf more and more. Like I jsut expect too much of myself, but I can't change that. I feel like I'd be pressed against a wall by a giant ass, pooping at me while taking my breath. It doesnt feel like living right now. It feels like the biggest fucking shit I've ever felt. I hate this feeling. And the worst thing of all is: I know how happy I was today in the morning. I'm able to imagine a life without worrying about absolutely everthing, without wanting to control everything. And now I just can't do anything because some silly voice in my head doesn't want to shut up.
Fuck that.
'But maybe it's not about the happy ending. Maybe it's about the story.'
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