'You know my name, not my story.
You know what I've done, not what I've been through.
If you were in my shoes, you'd fall the first step!'
If you were in my shoes, you'd fall the first step!'
Again, many months have passed since I wrote my last post. Again, so much has changed. And otherwise, so little. I failed the second chance for the exam, too, so I'm retaking the first semester in maths now, which is not that great, but it's okay I guess. I mean, at least my best friend and some of my other friends are reataking it with me.
I was very positive at the beginning of the term, thinking I'll finally get this shit. By now, all of this has changed again... I'm really struggeling to keep myself motivated because I feel like there's no chance for me to pass this exam like EVER... But who cares, it's too late now, so all I can do is give my best...
Concerning friends, some things have changed, too, while others haven't. I still love my best friend, which sucks, because he still doesn't love me. I mean, he has his girlfriend whom he love like over the top. Yikes! But however, I was thinking a lot about this lately since it really broke me inside. You know, I always thought it must be wrong that such strong emotions, such strong love as I feel it for him, stay unreturned. That this couldn't be the plan, that something went horriby wrong in our universe because otherwise, something like that could never happen. That it's just against everything I've always expected the world to be like... That we were meant to be.
But then I realized something. I realized that he feels that love for her. And she does definitely feel it for him. So I guess, the two of them are meant to be, not the two of us... There won't be a you and I but I guess I'm okay with that because it would be even more wrong if they'd part.
So yes, it hurts. It hurts like hell to be honest. And it still feels wrong. But I guess it's the right kind of wrong...
So I decided. I've never been sure if I should smile because he's my friend or cry because that's all he'll ever be. I decided to smile. I'm so freaking glad to be able to call him my friend. I don't know what I'd do if I lost him as my best friend, as the one who always knows what's going on in my mind. I will always love him in some way. But I think I'll be able to love him as my friend.
I was very positive at the beginning of the term, thinking I'll finally get this shit. By now, all of this has changed again... I'm really struggeling to keep myself motivated because I feel like there's no chance for me to pass this exam like EVER... But who cares, it's too late now, so all I can do is give my best...
Concerning friends, some things have changed, too, while others haven't. I still love my best friend, which sucks, because he still doesn't love me. I mean, he has his girlfriend whom he love like over the top. Yikes! But however, I was thinking a lot about this lately since it really broke me inside. You know, I always thought it must be wrong that such strong emotions, such strong love as I feel it for him, stay unreturned. That this couldn't be the plan, that something went horriby wrong in our universe because otherwise, something like that could never happen. That it's just against everything I've always expected the world to be like... That we were meant to be.
But then I realized something. I realized that he feels that love for her. And she does definitely feel it for him. So I guess, the two of them are meant to be, not the two of us... There won't be a you and I but I guess I'm okay with that because it would be even more wrong if they'd part.
So yes, it hurts. It hurts like hell to be honest. And it still feels wrong. But I guess it's the right kind of wrong...
So I decided. I've never been sure if I should smile because he's my friend or cry because that's all he'll ever be. I decided to smile. I'm so freaking glad to be able to call him my friend. I don't know what I'd do if I lost him as my best friend, as the one who always knows what's going on in my mind. I will always love him in some way. But I think I'll be able to love him as my friend.
Well, some of you may be wondering by now, what the title of this post is supposed to refer to. So here we go.
Since I'm retaking the term anyway, I went on the trip with the maths students again. I really met cool people again and liked many of them. It was a great weekend and I decided to forget all of my worries for these few days. An old friend of mine went there, too and we had lots of fun.
However, of course, the problems returned when I came back home. So I had a rough time again and wasn't that happy. But I tried to stay positive. But when I met one of my "new friends" I got to know on the trip, something really crazy happened which turned our relationship strange somehow. This is really a shame because we got along very well earlier.
So after that final kick in the ass, I had a breakdown. I mean, I was broken before that happened but after that I couldn't stay positive in any way anymore. I was totally pissed off by guys (I still am since this event happened only a few days ago). Anyway, the day after that strange experience, the old friend texted me and we were talking about something and got to that topic. Without knowing what's really going on, he told me I should see things more positive, it wouldn't be that bad, whatever. He didn't try to understand. As always. As I said, some things didn't change. However, I just told him in a friendly manner that he didn't know the real me and that he had no right to judge.
The next day, which was only the day before yesterday, another guy from that trip texted me, asking how I felt. I told him it was a bad time to ask that question but he wanted to know so I told him that I felt really horrible. And well, he was the second person telling me that I'm not feeling as bad as I think and that I should easily stay positive, blah, blah, blah... Within the last few days I just heard a bit too often that my problems aren't that bad and that I'm only weak. I'm so sick of it!
So everyone thinks I'm weak. OK, I get it. I told them 'bout my feelings. Huge mistake. But real strength doesn't mean not talking about problems. It means facing them, grappling with them, to keep going. So to all of you out there claiming I'm weak - Tell me: Have you ever seen me giving up? No, you haven't. Because I never did and never will. Because I AM strong! In fact I'm VERY strong, even stronger than your kind, who's hiding their emotions, suppressing them! You have no idea what I had to deal with during my life til now and I never gave up. So before you judge me, think about what strength really means.
You don't even really know me and most of you don't even fucking care, so just shut up!
See ya!
May ♥
Since I'm retaking the term anyway, I went on the trip with the maths students again. I really met cool people again and liked many of them. It was a great weekend and I decided to forget all of my worries for these few days. An old friend of mine went there, too and we had lots of fun.
However, of course, the problems returned when I came back home. So I had a rough time again and wasn't that happy. But I tried to stay positive. But when I met one of my "new friends" I got to know on the trip, something really crazy happened which turned our relationship strange somehow. This is really a shame because we got along very well earlier.
So after that final kick in the ass, I had a breakdown. I mean, I was broken before that happened but after that I couldn't stay positive in any way anymore. I was totally pissed off by guys (I still am since this event happened only a few days ago). Anyway, the day after that strange experience, the old friend texted me and we were talking about something and got to that topic. Without knowing what's really going on, he told me I should see things more positive, it wouldn't be that bad, whatever. He didn't try to understand. As always. As I said, some things didn't change. However, I just told him in a friendly manner that he didn't know the real me and that he had no right to judge.
The next day, which was only the day before yesterday, another guy from that trip texted me, asking how I felt. I told him it was a bad time to ask that question but he wanted to know so I told him that I felt really horrible. And well, he was the second person telling me that I'm not feeling as bad as I think and that I should easily stay positive, blah, blah, blah... Within the last few days I just heard a bit too often that my problems aren't that bad and that I'm only weak. I'm so sick of it!
So everyone thinks I'm weak. OK, I get it. I told them 'bout my feelings. Huge mistake. But real strength doesn't mean not talking about problems. It means facing them, grappling with them, to keep going. So to all of you out there claiming I'm weak - Tell me: Have you ever seen me giving up? No, you haven't. Because I never did and never will. Because I AM strong! In fact I'm VERY strong, even stronger than your kind, who's hiding their emotions, suppressing them! You have no idea what I had to deal with during my life til now and I never gave up. So before you judge me, think about what strength really means.
You don't even really know me and most of you don't even fucking care, so just shut up!
See ya!
May ♥
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